thanks <3

i just have no idea what it is i’m feeling and there’s so much other shit going on in my life right now that i just don’t have the time to think about it and either last year or earlier this year one of my friends asked “you’ll never change your name on me, will you?” and i told her i wouldn't 

but this is the same friend who is transphobic and jokes about coming out and the ‘lesbian phase’ and treats coming out like it’s a joke and very specifically joked about outing me to my mom and told me 'i’ll do it when we’re in the car this afternoon’ and even though that was last year and she never actually did it, it terrifies me cause my parents are complete shit and i don’t wanna know what my dad would do if he found out i like girls 

and like, i can’t separate myself from her and like, i don’t even know what my gender is i say cis to avoid a crisis but bigender/genderfluid seems like an ok label i just have so many internalized feelings that it’s difficult to work through it, especially with all the other stress in my life

and i’m sorry this got long i just need to vent to someone 

i’m seriously considering running away tho and the last time i thought about it is when i was seven and i packed a bag and left a note in my mom’s room and stayed up half the night torn between staying and leaving 

and like i haven’t accepted my sexuality yet which is shit cause i haven’t worked through all that yet i don’t even really know how cause i was apathetic for so long that’s really my only coping method

urghhh i just hope i get all this shit figured out and get some people (adults) who truly support and respect me in my life cause right now there aren’t any