Hello kids, it’s time to learn a new word today!
It’s a pretty new word, probably because aromanticism has been ignored and neglected up until just recently, and the community is still taking shape. New words and terms appear as they are needed. I present to you:~*AMATONORMATIVITY*~
Does it sound like heteronormativity’s ugly cousin? That’s because it totally is. This is why you’re dreading family gatherings. Heteronormativity will try to beat you up for being different - or to prevent you from being different. Amatonormativity don’t really have the muscles for that, but good lord is it manipulative. It will say some really mean things to you, that will make you feel really worthless and broken, that you’ll never be truly happy, the kind of things that stick with you for years.
Amatonormativity is the social force that makes it seem like romantic love is the most important thing on earth, in your life, ever. It’s the belief that everyone can, wants, and should fall in love. It’s the belief that romantic relationships are more important than all other types of relationships.
All of that is wrong. Worse, it hurts people really bad, just like heteronormativity. Aromantics and aro spectrum people are the ones hurt the most by this. Here are some examples of amatonormativity:
- Ridiculously young kids feeling pressured to get a boyfriend/girlfriend, and feeling worthless if they don’t have one. This is terrible on several levels, including the fact that people are not prizes to be won.
- Whenever someone says love but means romantic love only. Way to brush aside friendships, familial love, and all the other ways of feeling love there is.
- That time some local athlete said he wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, and that was so shocking it made it to the FRONT PAGE of the newspapers.
- When the above example made me so angry I wrote an article to the newspapers about amatonormativity and how there’s nothing wrong in being single, and most of the comments I got on that article online were “don’t worry, you’ll meet the right one someday!!!!”
- the phrase “don’t worry, you’ll meet the right one”
frick. you. I’m not the one worrying, YOU are. I know who I am, I’m not waiting for someone to come along and decide that for me. I know feelings may change over time, but that does not mean I should WAIT. Go take your waiting somewhere else.- LOVE TRIANGLES. A badass fictive girl is busy dismantling governments, as you do, when a BOY comes along. A boy that……. likes her??? and then ANOTHER boy!!! That also likes her!!!!! OH NO put the revolution on hold she has to C H O O S E
- When stories end and all the characters are paired up with eachother
- Name one fictional character that is clearly stated to not feel romantic love, that is NOT a robot or a tree or whatever, and that is NOT a villain. I mean, even robots like Wall-E are made more human to us by….. feeling…. romantic love……..
- No but seriously though. The amount of stories and media where romance is The Most Important Thing?? Most of it.
- “Asexuals are not broken, they can still fall in love!!!” let me stop you right there
- The fact that sleeping around is seen as Horrible and Immoral. As long as it’s safe, consensual and not cheating, there shouldn’t really be a problem???
- Phrases like “more than friends” or “just friends”.
Some people out there have stronger relationships with their lifelong best friends than their own spouses. I’m still on the fence on this one because you can be “more than friends” if you’re like friends AND lovers!! That’s like, TWO types of relationship in one! So. I don’t know.- Being told you’re incomplete, that you’re just a half, waiting for your romantically coded soulmate, bluh bluh. A soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic, and I also refuse to believe there has to be only one, and most of all I refuse to belive we are incomplete creatures.
+++ so much more.
Finding out you’re aromantic is often really harsh, because many aros will feel left out, dehumanized, thinking they can never achieve happiness - I’ve seen a lot of aromantic people wishing they weren’t aro. Reconciling yourself with the fact that you don’t need to feel romantic love to be complete or having worth is SO HARD when you have everything around you telling you different. So yeah. Be aware of amatonormativity! Fight amatonormativity!! let’s ovERTHROW THE GOVERMENT OF NORMS wait what
Amatonormativity also disproportiionally affects women because of the way it intersects with sexism and misogyny, particularly the idea that “a woman’s wedding is the most important day of her life!!!!!!!1!”
Girls are taught from birth to define themselves completely around their relationships, particularly their romantic relationships, to the point where it’s STILL considered “normal” for many women to quit their jobs as soon as they get married and spend their time in college “pursuing their MRS degree.”
There are almost no women portrayed in popular culture who aren’t SOMEONE’S romantic interest, even if they have other roles, and women are more likely to be portrayed entirely in the context of their romantic relationships, while men, though usually having some kind of romantic subplots, almost always have full and expressed non-romantic lives in popular media, but women frequently don’t.
Aromantic boys can usually look at male characters in media and at least say “well, I don’t want to do the romance thing, but take that out and I want to be just like him!” Aromantic girls look at many female characters, who are usually the ONE woman in a cast full of men and get little to no screentime that doesn’t in some way involve a romantic interest, who often don’t even have acknowledged or shown jobs or lives outside of their romantic relationships, and it’s like, “well, I don’t want to do the romance thing… so I guess there’s nothing here for me at all.”
Movies for and about girls are almost always romances, or at least heavily involve romance as a major plot point. Movies considered to be for and about boys are much more varied, and while there is still no aromantic representation, at least there’s something else THERE. Men get to be superheroes and women get to be superheroes’ girlfriends. You know what that leaves aromantic girls with? NOTHING. They get to be nothing.
So what’s the bottom line here? Feminists have a responsibility to fight amatonormativity. If you consider yourself a feminist, PAY ATTENTION. Support people on the aromantic spectrum. Raise awareness about aromanticism. Don’t support the dominant cultural narrative that insists you HAVE to feel romantic attraction and romantic love to be “human.” Don’t use romance to “prove” someone’s wholeness or humanity. Support aro people.
Note: of course none of this is to say that men aren’t negatively affected by amatonormativity. Of course they are. Like with most issues feminists address, EVERYBODY hurts - women just tend to be hurt more.
Note 2: Agender and non-binary people are probably even MORE affected because they are often treated as though their humanity is “in question” and has to be “proved” with romantic love. Since I’m a cis woman, I’ve never experienced this so I don’t feel like I’m authorized to talk about it. If someone else knows how amatonormativity specifically affects non-binary and agender people and wants to share that, please do!
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